My last entry in this ongoing life-journal, this blog, this
open, public and world-wide virtual airing of some of the things going on
inside my head, was more than two months ago. Titled Fine, it explored the nature of “finedom” and where I envisioned
myself in relation to it. I concluded that not only was I decidedly on the not
fine side of the scale, but also that I had been there for a while. Since then,
a lot has happened and much of it, maybe even most of it, was pretty good. I
set a sort of a benchmark in my last musing and from there I can clearly see
that I am more “fine” than I was then. Much more.
Without going into a lot of unnecessary detail, some things
in my life have worked themselves out. My outlook is much improved and as a
result, my life in the present, right here, right now, is fine. The future has
the potential to be much finer still, but the weird thing is that looking back
I can readjust my level of finedom – a retrospective retuning, if you will.
This is not a new revelation; I have been able to reassess large segments of my
past and re-remember them in a different, much more positive light. It would
appear that this is yet another example of things appearing much worse in the
moment than need be. I’m not saying I overreacted, I believe that my feelings
at any given time are valid; they are based upon what my experience is and has
been, but part of that experience is that things have always gotten better,
even when I couldn’t see it.
I was stressing over a lot of things last June. I was filled
with doubt; I was exhibiting a profound lack of faith. Because I could not see
a clear path in front of me, I felt as though there was nowhere to go but back.
While I never threw in the towel, I sure wanted to. Several things carried me
through that time – as well as the two or three years that preceded it. Among
them was a 51-year track record of not dying. This may seem silly, but the mere
fact that I am still alive despite events (one in particular) that challenged
that reality gives me a baseline worst-case scenario. As bad as I felt things
were, they weren’t that bad. Beyond
that, I have these friends and family who love me and showed me the faith in
myself that I did not have. I really didn’t think I could “do this,” they
consistently told me I could.
But it pissed me off – no one really understood what “this”
was. As it turned out, neither did I. “This” isn’t necessarily succeeding at
earning my Ph.D., it isn’t necessarily succeeding in a marriage that never
should have happened in the first place… it isn’t necessarily in the
“achievement” of anything. “This” is navigating through life, simply doing my
best, honoring my commitments and living with honesty, integrity and respect.
That is the “this” I was not taking into account, that is the “this” that my
friends and family knew I could do,
and that is the “this” that, for the past 10 years plus, I have been living in
and through - successfully.
All I have to do is stick one foot in front of the next and
gradually things change. I didn’t want to. I wanted to quit and I didn’t even
know what it was, exactly, that I wanted to quit from. School? That was the
easy target, but it was far more than just that. The last three-ish years have
been a pressure cooker – shit was coming at me from all sides - and I was just
done. While much of that pressure is now released, it is not gone yet. I doubt
it ever will be. But now I have yet another experience, another “past,” that I
can look back to when things get all fucked-up again. Because, eventually, they
will. Life is funny that way.
