Consumption

It’s hard to believe sometimes. Glancing back. Looking around. Peering just ahead. The road that brought me here, right here in this very moment in time and to a place surrounded by not only material comfort, but also (and far more important) one that is engulfed in peace, has been a long one. It is a lasting peace, or at the very least, peace that has lasted for a number of years now. That’s right, years… not months, not weeks, not days or even hours, but years. That might not seem so amazing or unbelievable to some, but I have to put it into words and read them to remember, sometimes, that I have lived it.

And I wasn’t supposed to make it. Or maybe I was. The fact is that due to decisions I made both directly and indirectly, my life very well could have come to an end on many, many occasions and very nearly did a couple of times. So maybe I am supposed to be here. I am, after all, here and for the past few years not just alive, but very well. I guess I could look at this good fortune as just that – luck. Nothing more than that. It was my turn. I paid my dues. I suffered long enough. It could be that. But it also might be the total and complete desperation that led me to make the changes in perception and action that led me to this point.

I really can’t say. I know that my perception and my attitude did change and the desperation I felt was real. It was do or die, quite literally. But it would be hard to deny the fortune that has shined upon me. That fortune, however, very well could have been there all along. I might have been just too busy, too self-absorbed or too materialistic to notice. I could have been so preoccupied seeking external gratification that I was missing the magic that was with me all along. Maybe that was it. Regardless of the specifics, I am where I am and I couldn’t be more satisfied.

Actually, that’s not true either. I could be more satisfied and, moreover, I know how to achieve that satisfaction. As a matter of fact, it will get better still. I know it. Not in the kind of specifics that an instruction manual or self-help guide might contain, but more of an intuitive knowing that if I continue with the same outlook, the journey never ends… the rewards are ever greater and that inner peace is the only result that holds any real value. And it continues to grow stronger. It has become part of who I am and I can only hope that one day it completely consumes me.