All I Know

Life has a strange way about it. Maybe it’s the flow of time or the relative nature of things. Perhaps it’s just chance how everything turned out, or is everything according to some grand design? And if so, is all planned down the smallest detail or is it more of a loose framework; the flow chart of life with a series of conditional gates that will determine what the path will be? I have, throughout the course of my own life, seen how these models could be applied, each appearing more or less feasible depending on the situation at hand. And once again I am left with the realization that the more I know the less I know.

I am living a moment, or rather a series of moments, that seems to be pretty smooth – in some respects. And in others there is what feels like chaos. The chaos, however, has not taken top billing; it has not developed a gravitation pull all its own; it is not controlling me. Something is different and although I should know better, I’m trying to figure out what, how and why. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I am looking this gift horse in the mouth – nothing is taken for granted and I do know the answers to those rhetorical questions. It’s just that those answers feel somehow superficial – even hollow.

There is a simplicity that could be characterized as playing by the rules. Not the laws made by man, but the basics of right and wrong, the simple truths that we seem to be born with. Call it conscience, call it spirituality, call it cosmic energy… call it what you will, but admit there is something. It is either strictly explained by science or it is not – it makes no difference. It’s ingrained, almost pre-programmed, but at the same time useless unless invoked. That has historically been my problem… until recently.

Doing it – whatever “it” is – has been anywhere from difficult to impossible, initiated but unsustainable, simultaneously known and unknown ever since I can remember. It has spawned attitudes of entitlement, feelings of inferiority and plenty of arrogance often born of ignorance. I eventually came to believe that I was either too dumb or cursed to succeed in life and proceeded to prove it. No amount of luck was ever enough and it was always just a matter of time before it all came crashing down. The cosmic reset button was my best friend and I visited more and more often.

After a final set of traumatic experiences came my way in rapid succession, I was left with the will to live and not much else. I finally conceded (although I didn’t know it at the time) that perhaps there was something I was missing. Maybe, just maybe I didn’t know it all. Could it be that re-aligning myself with those basics, those core truths that I came with as standard equipment could be the missing piece of the puzzle? Is it possible that after all those years of believing my own lies I could recognize the truth – that I could be sincere… about anything?

Well, you wouldn’t be reading this if it were not possible. It was in fact a reality that I could change my life at any moment. It only takes acceptance that my way is not working, willingness to do anything and honesty manifested as sincerity. However simple it sounds (and it is), I don’t believe I could have consciously created the conditions to bring these principles to light. If I could have known enough to “get there,” I would already have arrived and I would have written all this then, not now. And now is all there ever is.