Mind/Body/Spirit

Today, I stepped way outside my comfort zone. I did something I have never done, with people I have never met at a place I only started going to in the last week. It was, for absolutely no reason, scary, but I also haven’t felt this energized in many, many years. But I am getting ahead of myself, it didn’t “just happen.” It was a conscious decision, and the following is what led up to it. 

We are each made up of mind, body and spirit; these three aspects work in harmony and the better we balance and are in tune with them, the better we will feel. In less than six months, my world has undergone significant changes. I turned 63 years old, I retired and, factoring in the continuing ramifications of my social circle implosion, nothing, it seems, is the same. It’s not all bad; in fact, it’s not even mostly bad; it is a thing and it must be adapted to. That is where this “mind/body/spirit” triad comes into play. I feel, for no direct reason, disharmony. It’s nothing new, it has come and gone over my many years. But this time, it’s at a time when everything is mostly good – even those social ramifications, now no longer new, have proven beneficial. So, why the disharmony? It’s because of balance and neglect – specifically, neglecting my spirit and my body. Of the two, my body is most neglected. That does not mean I am unhealthy, but it does mean that I have not moved either very much for a long time.

My spirit underwent a literal overhaul when I stopped drinking and drugging. For my more than 21 years of sobriety, spiritual work has been not just desirable, not just important, but absolutely necessary. Prior to that, I never gave it even a seat at the table, dismissing “spirituality” and its derivatives as various forms of silly. Even in sobriety, being an atheist, I struggle with the idea/belief of spirituality. They say that spirituality and religion are not the same thing and that sobriety is a spiritual journey, but many of their walks don’t match their talk. Can it be done with just a mind/body paradigm? Sure, I did that too, and I do not discount others who see the world that way. For me, spirituality could very well be folded into “mind,” but I find it more effective leaving it separate, mystical and always new. All that said, my spirituality has not been new in a very long time – it is stagnant.

As has been my body. I was in a near-fatal crash more than 25 years ago. Prior to that, the combination of my age (37 at the time), good genes and a pretty active lifestyle meant my body could and would do just about anything I asked of it. While I was physically fit, my mind was clouded by drugs and alcohol such that I was often on auto-pilot. As far as spirituality went… as I said, that was for fools. Although I was in serious imbalance and disharmony, I didn’t know it and would not have cared if I did. After waking up in the hospital five weeks after my wreck, that began to change, but it was slow and extremely difficult.
 

My body, with only some minor limitations, eventually recovered. After getting sober, my mind woke up all on its own, returning to a place of inquisitiveness, curiosity, critical thinking and even assertion that it once was many years prior. Continuing my education supercharged it—of the three, my mind has been healthiest and, for the most part, not stagnant. It has been more stagnant since I retired, but I find it relatively easy to get back to that always new place. These words are an example of that – right here, right now. However, my body has suffered the most stagnation. Over the past two decades-plus, I have gradually become decreasingly active. Spiritually, I have rested on my laurels; I have not pushed its boundaries, or expanded on what it is, means or how it operates.

That brings us full circle. Last week I took measures to remedy that balance and that harmony. Today was but one very small piece of that overall puzzle. I engaged in a physical class that I am deliberately not naming, because the last thing I want is to be inducted into a lifestyle brand or viewed as a new-age convert. It does not matter what the specific movements were; what matters is that I have taken a step outside of what is comfortable, familiar and easy to enter into the unknown. Did I like it? Yes and no; no one likes discomfort, but that is what it takes to get where “there” is. Did I like the activity itself? It is too soon to tell, but I did not hate it, so there is that. Right now, the big deal is that I put myself out there again for the first time in a long time, and that I do like.

And I am not done. Tonight I have another, different activity in a place that is new, around people I have never met before, doing something I have never done before. It’s not to be “bold” and “overcome fear,” although that is a side-effect, it is to repair the rift between my mind, my body and my spirit, to wake them the fuck up and start working together so that I can get this old me moving again to enjoy the years I have left. And, if I do it right, I might just add a few years to them.

Epstein and the Washington (TN) County School Board

   

I'm not big into conspiracy theories. I especially dismiss large-scale ones—such as the “moon landing,” “flat-earth,” “chem-trails” and a host of others—with Occam's Razor. The most likely explanation is the simplest one; the number of people and secrets required to, for example, fake the moon landing is mind-boggling. And impossible. Much more likely, we landed on the moon, just like I watched on TV in 1969.

But some conspiracy theories turn out to be real conspiracies. With some, like the Epstein files, there absolutely is a "there" there. It's bad, it was going on for years and the secrecy involved was off the charts. However, in a way, Occam’s Razor still applies. Too many people had to keep too many big, dark secrets for it to stay secret forever. Still, damage – and lots of it – was done. There's no question that powerful men, and some powerful women, have for years been keeping very dark secrets.

The Epstein files did two things. First, they blew up any logical reasoning that this was nothing more than a conspiracy; the massive amount of evidence, and the ongoing cover-up, proves that. But was this a one-off, an anomaly? Yes, it’s bad, real bad, but how societally ingrained is this behavior? We don’t know the extent just yet, but if we listen to women, it’s not isolated, rare or limited to just one group of the wealthy and powerful. How do we know?

Look no further than Washington County, Tennessee.

On April 2nd, a school board member named Keith Ervin was caught on video leaning into a female high school board member, grabbing her by her opposite shoulder to pull her into him for a “side hug” and said, “God, you're hot. You know that? Hey, where do you go to school at?” The rest of the board either chuckled uneasily or just sat there. It was not subtle. This YouTube link begins at one hour and 16 minutes into the two-hour meeting – it shows the incident that has created so much backlash for Ervin and the board.

Ervin’s defense is as much predictable as it is pathetic. He claimed “hot” simply meant she was “on a roll” with her presentation. He also threw in the tried and untrue refrain that the clip (which has gone viral) is taken out of context, that we must watch the whole two-hour meeting to understand. So I did.

And the context is actually much worse.

For the entire meeting, he wasn't paying attention to a student's performance; he was paying inordinate attention to a high school girl. He was looking at her more than anyone else. He was sitting between her and another board member, but noticeably closer to her. He touched her many times before taking his bold “next step.” And now he’s betting that no one will watch it all, that we will just accept his lame-fuck excuse. And he’s banking on this all fading away before August when he’s up for reelection to a seat he’s held for 20 years.

Many have said, as I or any rational human would: If this was a teenage boy – or any male for that matter - would Ervin have pulled him into a physical embrace and whispered, “God, you're hot, where do you go to school?” If the answer is yes, that he would do that with a boy, well, that is a problem too. He wasn’t giving this girl a “you-go, girl!” he was taking liberties in a post-Epstein world that appears to be, for some, normalized.

So, how did the institution respond? First, they didn’t until there was widespread condemnation. But, after that, in emergency session, they voted to "censure" him. A formal slap on the wrist. They claimed their hands were tied by state law, which is just another way of saying the system is explicitly designed to protect the incumbent power structure. He keeps his seat. And, predictably, this wasn't even his first offense; he was censured for a lewd classroom gesture back in 2009.

Women and girls (and some boys, too) have known about this systemic cloaking for a long time. These are not isolated anomalies. The Epstein files revealed not only how the rich and powerful have been doing what they want with impunity for a long time, the files have also unearthed the truth so many victims have been trying to tell us for a long time. There is a “secret society,” but it is not as hidden as you think. You buy their products; you see them on ballot after ballot. And the system is cooked to let them get away either Scott-free or with just a slap on the wrist. The Epstein files have given us the information we need to set things straight, but first it has uncovered something dark that lurks in the hearts of too many men. They have become emboldened to reveal who they are. In a school board meeting. Recorded, for all to see.

 

Riddle Me This:

Why are so many of you so deferential to law enforcement?

Okay, some context is necessary. Let's go...

First, this does not apply to my "normie" friends - real or Fakebook pseudo. Many of you have had no real interaction beyond a traffic ticket and probably believe that they have the most dangerous job there is, and that all the protections, privileges and policies they enjoy (and only they enjoy) are justified. Until those perks come home to roost on your neck, they paint a pretty compelling picture. For you I'd suggest this: lots of jobs are dangerous and many are statistically more dangerous than being a cop. One of them is being a member of our military in combat. So is a highway worker. However, I'll grant that it is not likely I'll sway you, so I'll leave you with this: They don't close down major interstates for a parade when anyone else dies - in the line of duty or not. Only cops. Ever wonder why...

But there is another major group of both real and virtual friends here, and that group typically has extensive experience with law enforcement. And, no, I am not talking about "bikers," although the same thinking can apply. I am speaking specifically about those of you in the recovery community. The vast majority of you have extensive, often negative experience with law enforcement. I know I have, and I heard literally thousands of your stories. So, why have so many of you suddenly become champions of the thin blue line? Maybe you've been sober (or clean) so long that you forgot. Or, maybe you thought you "had it coming." Y'all seem to think that about many others now.

For some, I'd jump on that bandwagon save this: I AM all about the rule of law and part of those rules are due process. So, while becoming aware of some particularly evil individual getting some well-deserved justice, when that comes at the hands of cops through excessive force under color of law, I am not going to sign onto it. That brings up one of many problems. The so-called "good cops" and their silence about bad cops. I tacitly agree that most cops get into the job for the right reason (not ICE, but I'll get to them shortly) and only a few are the ones who crave the power of the badge and a gun. But if a good cop turns a blind eye to a bad cop, is (s)he still good?

But let's get back to the recovery community and our experience. I know the vast majority of you have seen or been subjected to unconstitutional actions under the color of law. It's not even up for debate, if you've been to jail or prison, you know about it just like "good cops" do. But now that you, personally, are no longer subject to their abuses, you're all part of the "back the blue" club. Weird, but okay. Maybe you figure that what happen to you was due to your own (stupid) actions and had you been behaving yourself, it never would have happened. I am with you on that. I was waving huge red flags in front of my life, basically daring them to come get me. Had I not, I never would have been subject to the good cops OR the bad ones. Here's the rub: That does not excuse the bad ones or the system set up to protect them.

I AM all about the rule of law - for everyone. And seeing police academy rejects (and worse) put on a pseudo-cop uniform wearing a face mask (for their own protection, right?), and violate the 1st, 4th, 5th, 14th and now 2nd Amendments with impunity has to stop. And for you who are so self-centered that, because you're safe, it's okay, know this - they'll be coming after you eventually. Lastly, for those who seem to believe that Constitutional protections are only for citizens, you are absolutely wrong. The Constitution is clear as are several high court rulings. If due process and other Constitutionally enumerated rights can be denied pending proof of citizenship, then once detained, it would be impossible to prove without due process. No phone call, no lawyer, no probable cause, no speedy trial - maybe no trial at all.

Is that what y'all voted for? Because that and a whole shitload more is what you got. But at least eggs are cheaper.

Trouble

Here's an interesting irony, and it's not new. Among the people who know me - even if it's just from Fakebook - I have a certain ethos. And, because of that, some label me with certain attributes that are based on my education, my critical thought processes and my insistence on looking at all sides of an issue before drawing any conclusions. And even then, those conclusions are always subject to revision. I have no problem being "wrong," I have a huge problem with perpetuating lies, misinformation and blind loyalty to an ideology - any ideology. In fact, because of this, my opinion on many and diverse issues is often sought. I don't always have clear answers, but I always have the desire (and ability) to seek the truth. Critical thinking is, in fact, the core of what I taught for many years at Sacramento State. And, when it comes to issues that are not intractably polarized, my opinions are typically respected - which is not the same as adopted or agreed with. I do not "insist" that anyone agree with me. But I would hope that evidence-based truth is accepted.

However, when it comes to highly polarized issues, issues that are controversial or contentious or, sadly, combative, I, all of a sudden, am an uneducated "libtard," have not "done the research," have been "conned" by the "liberal media," and, when it comes to those who really do not know me, I am part of the "indoctrination of our youth." I have addressed each of these accusations on several occasions, I will not rehash them now. Suffice it to say that those who say and believe such things are revealing their own ignorance, lack of critical thinking (and, often, education), or, too often, is a result of their indoctrination and blind loyalty to an ideology. And, it is an ideology applied without consistency and one most cannot even articulate.

So, when it comes to some things, I am as I have been called, "the smartest person I know." While flattering, that sentiment packs much into it that I am uncomfortable with; I do not see myself as any "smarter" than anyone else. I have different education and experience (and much of that experience is decidedly not "smart"). Be that as it may, when it is an issue that you have already made up your mind about, I'm an idiot. And the funny thing is that, for the most part, I am not going to your "house" telling you you're wrong. And I almost never resort to calling anyone "stupid." Yet you'll come here (whichever virtual platform this is appearing on) and "educate" me, as though a bachelors degree and two masters degrees (one of which was just a dissertation short of a PhD - all of which require extensive research skills and are centered on communication, rhetoric and CRITICAL THINKING) somehow missed what you and your "research" have to share.

There is a reason why I stopped engaging in what has become political discussion here. It is because it is no longer political discussion. It used to be about solutions, about equality, about democracy. And don't even start; my bachelors degree was a dual major - political science and journalism - you trying to correct me by proclaiming, "No! we're a republic," only reveals your ignorance. And these discussions never, ever used to accuse the other side of "un-Americanism." All sides used to hold our Constitution as sacred. No more.

If you know me - really know me - then you are aware of how I approach sometimes difficult issues. Some of you have even come to me asking what I thought about some things because of my education, my insight, my research skills or my reputation as an educator. But on too many issues, you don't want to know the truth, you don't care about the Constitution's protections for those you deem unworthy, despite what the Constitution itself says. Y'all know what I think about all that's going on. You won't change my mind with your so-called "evidence," unless that evidence puts Alex Pretti's gun in his hand; unless that evidence shows that a gang of paramilitary wannabe cops (because real cops abide by the Bill of Rights) did not pump several shots into his body as he was laying on the ground unarmed; unless your evidence can show he was doing anything other than helping someone else and photographing it; unless your evidence can convince my eyes they did not see what they saw.

We, these United States of America, are in real trouble. Too many of you don't care. You will when they come after you, but by then, it will be too late. This nation has been called the greatest experiment in self-government ever. At just shy of 250 years old, the experiment might be failing. It will take "the people," all of us, to reassert our place in government. They work for us, we are their constituents, not their subjects.

Riding Off Into the Sunset

Today is the last day of the semester at California State University, Sacramento. Next Wednesday, grades are due, and the 2024/2025 academic year is officially over. It is also the end on my 20th semester as a faculty member at Sacramento State - the end of my 10th year on this job. Due to my "classification" as non-tenured, contractual faculty (and about 60% of the California State University system faculty across all 23 campuses), I am officially unemployed until I am offered and accept a new assignment in the fall. While that has always been probable, it has never been certain. However, because of the state budget deficit, for the coming school year that probability is reduced to, "who knows?"

In my case, it's not as dire as it is for many others in my position. I was planning to retire after the fall semester anyway - right when the fall semester officially ends in early January. But I am eligible now and, if push comes to shove, will retire the day before the fall semester begins. It is not ideal, but it is workable. What it means in the right-here, right-now is the same thing it means at the end of the previous nine years - 10 weeks of “every day is Saturday.” As I've said many times before, it is my second most favorite part of my job. The best part? Being in the classroom. Not the prep work, not the bureaucracy and not the grading, but actually holding class.

1982 Harley Davidson FXR

Until I know more, it's business as usual. A summer of Saturdays awaits. I have two big motorcycle events planned and a bike to get finished. My pending grading this semester, unlike those in past, is much less daunting - partly because I am pretty good at it now and partly because of how this semester's schedule played into it. I am feeling some distant pressure due to uncertainty about the future, but nothing is bearing down on me like it usually is at the end of a semester. In fact, the pressure to get my '82 FXR Shovelhead done is far greater. But that's not a bad thing.

I have had, in the past, felt the ire of those who must work through the summer, from those who get, maybe, two or three weeks of vacation time every year. I get two and a half to three months. But there is a difference. Where that two or three weeks in a normal, year-round job is "paid vacation," mine is not. I still get a paycheck through the summer, but it's money I already earned - they "distribute" my pay over 12 months. It's not by choice (like it is in K-12) - if it was, I would choose to get it when I earned it. But, because of my official "unemployed" status, I am eligible (and collect) unemployment, too. It doesn't make up for what I would get paid - not even close - but it does make my summer monthly intake of money (as opposed to income, which should be paid in real time) greater, but without having to report to a job.

None of this is my call or my choice. I would rather the CSU just hire us rather than contract us. But they do not and, from what I can tell, the reason is due to the budget situation we are facing now. In lean times, they do not have to fire us, they do not have to lay us off, all they have to do is not give us classes. We, as non-tenured, contractual employees, do have certain rights regarding work, but per out collective bargaining agreement, work is always contingent on budget and enrollment. And there is never a guarantee. In official EDD language, I do not have "reasonable assurance of future employment." And until I sign an offer letter AND teach a given class past the census date (the last day a class can be cancelled), I never do, no matter how "probable" work is.

I have been dancing this dance with the CSU and with Employment Development Department (who has "investigated" me three or four times) for 10 years. Cue the bureaucracy. It is insane that they would continue to hassle us about what is rightfully ours - and spend even a dime investigating us when there are literally billions of dollars (with a "B") in real fraud they allowed to happen. Our union, the California Faculty Association, helps us navigate this quagmire and urges us to put aside the shame that some in both the CSU and EDD systems want us to feel for taking what is rightfully ours. And again, we did not create this - they did. And they could eliminate it by simply hiring us.

At the end of the day, none of it matters too much to me, personally. It still matters and for those who are in my position and not at retirement yet; it matters quite a lot, personally, to them. But I will be riding off into the sunset soon, maybe a few months sooner than I planned, but still soon. I do not know when I will be “celebrating” my retirement, which sucks a little, but I’m not real big on personal celebrations like that anyway. It’s also nothing new, that sort of shit has never been my story. I need a “Plan A” and a “Plan B,” but no “C,” “D,” or “E.” And for those who are still envious of the abundance of time I get? I have a simple solution: Do what I do. You’ll find that the time off is pretty fucking cool, but as not cool as actually being in the classroom. That’s what makes my job so special. And whether I retire in August or January, I’ll miss that.

Twilight

It's About Time and... Money 

Next week, classes begin for the spring semester at California State University, Sacramento (Sac State). It will be the beginning of my 20^th semester teaching there since returning from my four years of PhD coursework at Louisiana State University (LSU) in Baton Rouge. While I had completed my coursework, my comprehensive exams and advanced to doctoral candidacy, I was not yet finished. But I was finished in Baton Rouge, and it was time to find a job. I ended up with this gig in the fall of 2015 and, while I never did finish the work necessary for the PhD, I did manage to get another master’s degree (and the unofficial degree of “ABD” – all but dissertation). But that is a story I have told many times, one I will likely tell again, but not now. The point is that, although I am beginning the end of my 10^th year as a faculty member at Sac State, I was teaching undergraduate college students as a graduate student since 2008 (at Sac State) and 2011 (at LSU).

 

When I enrolled in Sac State’s communication studies MA program, I did not know, for sure, what I wanted to do with that degree. All I knew for sure was that, among the things I discovered since getting sober in 2004, I am good at school. That was never the case before. There are several factors that played a role, not the least of which is the fact that my brain was no longer polluted by drugs and alcohol. But I was also 46 years old. My focus was keener, my time was shorter, my urgency was greater, and my satisfaction was off the charts. I was seriously having fun. My undergraduate GPA in the dual major of poly-sci/journalism at Sac State was 3.87; my parting GPA after two years at San Diego State University from 1983-1985 was 0.7 – the contrast could not be starker.

 

I did not even know what area of communication studies I wanted to pursue. To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t clear on what the areas were or even that it made any real difference. I might have if my undergrad was in communication studies, but, although journalism at Sac State is in the communication studies department, I was a journalism student. In fact, had Sac State offered a journalism MA, I would taken that route. In fact (part deux), I almost entered the MA program in public policy. All of this points to an economy that was, at the time, not good – especially for middle-aged aspiring journalists. That industry, especially the part that I gravitated toward – print journalism – was shrinking quickly. I needed credentials and, at my age, I needed them badly.

 

My plan was to get the MA and use it to get a job with the state, but I also had an idea that I would like to take it and use it to teach at the community college level. I had (and still have) a great deal of respect and admiration for what the community college system does, what it did for me and, in particular, the instructors employed there. I thought that would a cool job, and I knew an MA was enough to qualify for it. It took a semester of student teaching at Sac State before I made that decision – but, that was all it took. That first semester solidified my career aspirations, my concentration withing the discipline of communication studies (generally, rhetoric, but I have narrower interests within it now), and it turbo-charged my excitement for academia. By the time I neared the end on the MA program, several key people in my world suggested that I expand my aspirations beyond an MA and beyond the community college system by applying to a PhD granting (R1) university.

 

That’s how I ended up in Baton Rouge and LSU. There’s a lot more to that part of the story, but after living, studying and teaching there for four years, it was time to come home. In the summer of 2015, after several applications to different jobs both inside of and outside of academia, I landed my current position. I am, technically, a “temporary, part-time” employee, a member of the “adjunct” faculty. About 60% or so of the 23-campus California State University system's faculty members are non-tenured, like me. However, through a series of contracts, I have been there almost 10 years. And… I am just a little less than one year from retiring. At the conclusion of the fall 2025 semester, my 21^st in this job, I will retire, at 63 years old. I will be putting both the Social Security and the CalPERS wheels in motion very soon.

 

Unfortunately, I haven’t been at this job long enough to get a “full pension” from CalPERS, but it, combined with SSI, will be enough. Further, I will have the opportunity to work “post annuity” on a limited, part-time basis, after a six-month waiting period. That means, if I choose to do so, I can go back in the fall of 2026 and teach a couple of classes per semester. Why would I do that? There are two reasons: One is obvious – for the money. The other is, perhaps less so; I really like my job. It’s the best job and/or career I have ever had. It’s too bad I did not find it earlier, but I am forever grateful that I found it at all. Why retire then? Because… time. One of the best parts of this job is the large breaks in between semesters. I enjoy that time immensely. The other thing about time is that we do not know how much we will get. One of my best friends passed six months after working up to his full retirement. Six fucking months.

 

I am always reminded of a quote from Marvel’s Avengers: Endgame – “No amount of money ever bought a second of time.” What will I do with all that time? I have no idea, no specific plans, no particular intentions, save one: If I sell it to anyone else, be that an institution, a company or an individual, it will be on my terms and on my… time.